Honey I’m home

So it seems like recently I have lost control

Control of my eating, control of my obsessions, uni work, baking, cooking, family life… Everything

I’ve been to the doctor – he made it worse by telling me that he wont refer me to a therapist until i reach a healthy BMI – so i asked him how to do this, he simply said JUST EAT MORE. Not the best thing to say to someone suffering from anorexia… It really set me back. It was a massive step for me to go and see a doctor and open up medically to someone about my problems. I expected understanding, support and help, not to be made to feel like a stupid little girl.

After the appointment it felt like all hope was lost and i would never get control of my life again. I went home crying my eyes out. My boyfriend was so supportive – he was upset naturally, fuming and angry with the doctor. But he held me, and we both cried and he told me he would help me. He took me to the harbour for the afternoon where we walked and had coffee overlooking the sea. It was a good break from reality!

I feel that this is too much for him to have to deal with – he isn’t good with stress and his head works in a way that tries to rationalize everything and find a cause and effect – that’s just the way he thinks. So with me, he looks for the causes, and tries to find a solution, but it frustrates him when he cant. its easy to make him think im better by eating what i do eat in front of him, I know its wrong but ive been trying to do this lately – anything to make him think I’m better – he has to deal with the massive mood swings I have, my lack of interest in him sexually and romantically, and my obsessions. I’m trying not to even mention anything anorexia wise to him, and he hasnt brought it up for a few days. even though he hasnt seen me eat.

Ive not been to my group sessions and I’ve spent the last 2 weeks stressing about dissertations, weight and doctors.

This week has been much better. I have focused on eating every day. Even if it is just a tiny bit. I eat each day between 6pm and 7pm for sure. anything extra is a bonus I guess. I still calorie count obsessively and have slipped up with binges and purging but so far I feel much better.

I’m focusing on Christmas and how that is the next natural break in my life. I’ll be home with my family for a month. We are taking a holiday. And everything will be normal I hope. I’ll be cooking LOADS over Christmas which makes me happy.

I’ve started going to the gym again. Not obsessively every day but just to give me some focus and a break. I’m not sure its a good idea but I’m seeing how it goes. I’ve started loosing weight again, but not so fast. So I dont think I need to worry.

Tonight I plan to go to my group session, and just listen to what people are saying – much less pressure than a 1 on 1 session i guess. And then maybe on Thursday I will go for the blood test they suggested.

Small steps. I’m definatley taking control, I’m not sure if that’s through eating, weight loss, or control of my time – I’ve been much better this week at concentrating and staying in uni all day and getting work done.

I have a massive list of things to do for Christmas presents, including making chutneys etc so maybe tomorrow I will give myself the day off uni and stress and do that….

Not very cookery based post, but I am happier now thats all off my chest!

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Jazzing up a dire meal

So today my boyfriend was ill! classical man flu! 

 

And it was my task to make him some lunch to make him feel better! So chicken soup it was. But I had an interview in an hour and no time to make it! At the back of our cupboard are about 10 cans of this dire asda smart price soup just waiting to be thrown away or donated. So naturally I cooked one up for him in the rush I was in. But I jazzed it up a bit with some home made Croutons. 

 

I chopped a dried out bread roll into cubes and fried in lots of olive oil, with some garlic, salt, pepper, garlic and oregano. Then whacked the Croutons in he soup. 

 

He said it was delicious. Not sure how much he could taste! But the Croutons were delish! 

 

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Moving forward

So after a stressful week including my first session of counselling, letting my boyfriend into my secrets and allowing him to help me I’m moving on.

I’m putting together a recipe book with all the things I make. I’ll take photos of everything, and am writing down a list of things I want to make!

I’ve joined the local library and am gradually working my way through cookbooks there as well.

I managed to eat a chicken fajita yesterday evening. That was such a big step forward for me.

I’ve emailed some people about helping out at cookery classes and even taking some classes. And had a meeting about training to be a chef after I finish my degree. The problem is, those with a degree are deemed over qualified for a government funded apprenticeship in catering, meaning it will cost me about £4,000 to train. It’s a lot of money but I hope I can save up.

I’m concerntrating on canapés today. I’m going to be making canapés over Christmas for the family, so any good make ahead and freeze recipes anyone knows will be much appreciated!

I’m hoping to make is more about cooking and less about anorexia….

Lots of love xxx

Stepping forward

At 7pm today. I’m going to an eating disorder clinic. No one knows. Not my boyfriend. Not my Mum. No one

I havn’t eaten for 2 days,  – Im trying to achieve 7 days. This isn’t right. I know that now. If I want a good career as a chef I need to learn that food isnt something to be scared of. 

 

I’m Terrified of talking to someone about this…..

Failure

I’m taking a break from baking this week to focus on my eating disorder.

My mum absolutely adored her cake I made. So did everyone. I’ve been enlisted to make the family Christmas came this year!

But this week I need to focus on myself. I’ve hit a bad patch of depression and bulimia. And need to focus my energies on dealing with this not baking.

Until, next time….

The finishing touch

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Here are the photos of my finished birthday cake for my mums birthday this weekend. Taking this home on a coach should be interesting.

I used the iced fruit cake, and then made a Madeira cake (forgot to take photos), cut it smaller and filled with butter cream and jam then iced it. I used 3 cake layers to separate the cream and jam, then covered the cake in buttercream and then iced. Stacked them using a broken chopstick.

I then used melted chocolate to stick on my fondant roses, and used a mould to make some out of melted white chocolate.

The feeling of pride I got when I finished is was overwhelming. I was so proud of myself.

But now that feeling has gone and I feel like a fat failure for eating a tiny bit of chocolate

This eating disorder sucks the life out of me. Last night I got really down and fired off an email to a local ED charity. They asked me to come in for an initial assessment. Not sure how I feel about this yet as it means recovery. And recovery at the moment means gaining weight.

lots of Love xxx

I-sing

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Here’s the finished, iced fruit cake. Felt really rewarding doing it.

Today I had decided I wasn’t going to eat. The smell of the icing was tempting, but I really restrained myself. Although I did skip a gym workout in order to come home and bake 😦 not feeling so great about that.

Also, I drank loads of water whilst a baking to stop myself eating. Now I’ve put on nearly 6lbs in water weight today . Feeling like a failure