So it seems like recently I have lost control
Control of my eating, control of my obsessions, uni work, baking, cooking, family life… Everything
I’ve been to the doctor – he made it worse by telling me that he wont refer me to a therapist until i reach a healthy BMI – so i asked him how to do this, he simply said JUST EAT MORE. Not the best thing to say to someone suffering from anorexia… It really set me back. It was a massive step for me to go and see a doctor and open up medically to someone about my problems. I expected understanding, support and help, not to be made to feel like a stupid little girl.
After the appointment it felt like all hope was lost and i would never get control of my life again. I went home crying my eyes out. My boyfriend was so supportive – he was upset naturally, fuming and angry with the doctor. But he held me, and we both cried and he told me he would help me. He took me to the harbour for the afternoon where we walked and had coffee overlooking the sea. It was a good break from reality!
I feel that this is too much for him to have to deal with – he isn’t good with stress and his head works in a way that tries to rationalize everything and find a cause and effect – that’s just the way he thinks. So with me, he looks for the causes, and tries to find a solution, but it frustrates him when he cant. its easy to make him think im better by eating what i do eat in front of him, I know its wrong but ive been trying to do this lately – anything to make him think I’m better – he has to deal with the massive mood swings I have, my lack of interest in him sexually and romantically, and my obsessions. I’m trying not to even mention anything anorexia wise to him, and he hasnt brought it up for a few days. even though he hasnt seen me eat.
Ive not been to my group sessions and I’ve spent the last 2 weeks stressing about dissertations, weight and doctors.
This week has been much better. I have focused on eating every day. Even if it is just a tiny bit. I eat each day between 6pm and 7pm for sure. anything extra is a bonus I guess. I still calorie count obsessively and have slipped up with binges and purging but so far I feel much better.
I’m focusing on Christmas and how that is the next natural break in my life. I’ll be home with my family for a month. We are taking a holiday. And everything will be normal I hope. I’ll be cooking LOADS over Christmas which makes me happy.
I’ve started going to the gym again. Not obsessively every day but just to give me some focus and a break. I’m not sure its a good idea but I’m seeing how it goes. I’ve started loosing weight again, but not so fast. So I dont think I need to worry.
Tonight I plan to go to my group session, and just listen to what people are saying – much less pressure than a 1 on 1 session i guess. And then maybe on Thursday I will go for the blood test they suggested.
Small steps. I’m definatley taking control, I’m not sure if that’s through eating, weight loss, or control of my time – I’ve been much better this week at concentrating and staying in uni all day and getting work done.
I have a massive list of things to do for Christmas presents, including making chutneys etc so maybe tomorrow I will give myself the day off uni and stress and do that….
Not very cookery based post, but I am happier now thats all off my chest!