I’m kinda new to this blogging thing (I guess everyone says that right?). I’ll start off by telling you a bit about me…
I won’t tell you my name, but I’m a 21 year old girl. I’m studying at a university in the UK, about 75 miles from my home town. I’m studying Event Management, I thought I wanted to be a wedding planner. After a year on placement, I don’t!!
So… the messed up part of me. I have anorexia. I have not been to a doctor to get diagnosed. I don’t need to. I follow ridiculous diets of under 200 calories per day. The only thing that really scares me in life is food. Its not about being fat. I’m not fat. I weigh less than 8 stone and I’m 5 foot 7. Its about having fat. Any fat at all. Its about the number on the scale getting smaller and smaller. And the sickening, self hatred when it goes up. Even if I barely ate the day before, and spent 90 minutes solidly running in the gym. The number still goes up sometimes. And it makes me want to die. When I’m feeling so light headed I think I may pass out, I feel happy. It’s not normal I know. And I will get better. But I’m not ready to get better yet.
I try to eat and be normal, but that’s when bulimia rears it’s ugly head again.
So, in a nutshell that’s my problem. But. I love cooking, baking, anything in the kitchen. I have for years. I spend hours watching cookery programmes, I mean over 4 hours a day. I love cooking for my friends, my family, my boyfriend. Even making a sandwich gives me joy. I know I can’t eat what I make. But one day i hope I will be able to. I’ve worked my way through hundred’s of cookery books. Tried and tested millions of recipes but can never eat them myself. Some people might think this is to do with my eating disorder. It’s not. It’s a passion of mine in life. I am fascinated by the way you can put simple things together and create something so stunning and beautiful that gives others such joy.
I kind of wish I had pursued this when I was younger, and taken up an apprenticeship in Professional Cookery or a degree in Culinary arts. But in my family, you go to university and do that. I just didn’t realise how business focused my course would be. I’m not enjoying it. But I only have 6 months left of a 4 year course, so I am sticking it out. Just so I have a degree to my name.
In reality – I am desperate to become a head chef, working on recipes, working in a busy kitchen. Creating.
And I have decided I am not going to let my anorexia control this dream any longer. I have been worried that pursuing this dream will lead to me eating, and that will upset me. It’s holding me back. But I’ve finally realised, the joy I get from cooking and baking outweighs the fear. I don’t have to eat everything I make. But I’d like to be able to try the food at least.
So that’s it in a nutshell…. This blog is going to document what I hope will be my recovery. And my moving onto pursuing the dreams I have… It is in no way going to be a weight-loss or pro-ana blog. I already have one of those and I want to keep the two as far apart as I can.